sand dollars ...

I collect seashells & the first thing I do when I get to the beach is go on a hunt (well after putting sunscreen on the kiddos) …Everyone knows my routine and it’s become a bit of a joke… I tend to go farther than I intend down the beach… scanning the sand for treasure. Actually, I began to use that quiet time to be alone with my thoughts, pray and hear God.

A couple of summers ago I was walking & praying, I really heard God’s voice on some stuff… it was a great walk – and as I looked down I found a perfect sand dollar. It was the first sand dollar I had ever found. I remember being so excited… at both what God has spoken to me & finding the sand dollar.

This might sound silly – but it became a “thing”…

Each week I would head out for my shell hunt/alone time – and every time God would give me a word … a deep revelation … some insight… and every single time I would find a single sand dollar.

It happened so often that I started writing the words down – almost as daily devotions… and I blogged them. I remember one time I didn’t find one – and I was actually discouraged over it – as we were leaving Haylee ran up to me beaming … with one in the palm of her hand – just as excited as I had been – then she gave it to me… I had gotten so used to looking in the same place for the sand dollars – it never occurred to me to stretch my thoughts, look beyond the familiar and hunt closer to the shore…. But Haylee did… her name is still written on the back of that one.

After that even Brayden was the one to find them and we started our little family collection… now displayed in glass vessels in my beach themed living room

I never made it to the beach last summer….not one time.

So this summer with all of the changes I was making – I decided that time with the kids – outside – having fun was priority. Once the weather was nice enough we started skipping baseball tournaments and heading out to the beach.

When we arrived – I started out in the way I had before two summers back… I went for a walk… my head was a jumbled mess and I felt all over the place. I all but begged for God to let me hear his voice… I heard nothing… and I left without a sand dollar…. I found a lot of really great shells, some of which I even took home with me – but not the one I was after.

The next weekend - same thing. I went to all of the spots I thought they would be from past experience…I searched and I searched… I even got frustrated….

I didn’t give up – but I was actually upset with God – I felt like he was withholding from me (I know this all might sound crazy…) so I angrily walked the beach – wondering why he just wouldn’t let me have a sand dollar…a word…his voice.

A couple of beach trips later … as I walked … I heard him so clearly… he told me to stop searching. To stop using all of my energy trying to find the perfect “sand dollar” – stop hunting for it so hard and stop settling for shells that were “good enough”. I knew right away He wasn’t talking about sea shells… but something so much greater …. Right then I knew He would give me the desires of my heart when my heart was right and when I surrendered completely to him.( I say I don’t believe it any of it anymore – and most days I don’t… some days the fear is bigger than it should be … trusting myself to make decisions regarding relationships scares me - but God knows the deep parts of my heart that I sometimes don’t want to see, acknowledge or recognize… He knows …when I don’t and He sees what I can’t.)

An hour later – Haylee ran over to me … with a sand dollar. (that’s when I looked up at the sky and said… “so you ARE still talking to me” with a smile)

It wasn’t lost on me that one of my children found it that day – and I, myself didn’t find it.

Since that day – every time I go … I have found sand dollars… ready for this – but NEVER a whole one – never a completely intact one – every single time I have found pieces of them. Parts of them… and instead of being upset about it – I have learned to embrace every broken piece – every shattered part… because to me … they are still beautiful …. Just as the broken pieces and parts of me are still beautiful to Him…

I found myself on the beach along with those sand dollars – along with His voice again – along with His promises for me….

(I just got chills and watery eyes – because not until I put that on paper – did I realize the immensity of it)

Whenever I have been the one to hunt or search – I have failed… because I didn’t trust him enough to take care of me. I wanted to do it – make it happen – take it “into my own hands”  instead of giving him full control allowing Him to give me the desires of my heart.